Reflection of His Heart

As we wait in eager expectation for our beautiful son to be born, please take some time to rejoice with us as Mari and I recall the very start of it all. Promises made, promises fullfilled. Thanks for taking the time to read this story! We love you all very much!

Love,

Ryan and Mari

Desired

This is a story of the Father’s love for us:

Some people say they have heard the audible voice of the Father (Exodus 3:4). Some people say they have heard the still, sweet whisper of the Holy Spirit (1 Kings 19:12-13). Some say that God speaks by embroidering an idea upon your heart, or reminding you of something you experienced or have been taught (John 14: 25-26). As you can see by the scripture references, these are all completely supported by scripture.

As for me, I have never experienced the audible voice of the Father. Many times have I been spoken to by concepts being stirred in my heart by God, and I have been able to see the incredible fruit that it yields. But, there have been few times when I have heard the second voice. However, every time I have heard it, something beautiful beyond description has emerged from the heart behind it. On Sunday, January 6, 2008, Mari and I woke up from an awesome Sunday evening nap (there is nothing like cuddling up on a bitingly cold winter day). We were hanging out in the living room, absolutely enjoying the warmth and peace of the evening. The weekend was busy, but enjoyable—especially now that we could just focus on each other.

At one point, I was on the swivel chair by the patio door, and Mari was by the couch when I heard, or rather, felt a phrase be spoken into my heart (as if I thought it, but the thought was not of my own). I say “felt” because it was not audible, but rather it was a still, small, confident voice that absolutely penetrated straight into my heart. I very clearly heard the Lord speak into my heart these words that would, little did I know, change our lives forever: “I desire to bless you with children.” Now, for a little background, Mari and I (even before marriage) decided that we’d wait two years before having our first child. This would give us enough time to invest our hearts into each other and to invest our money into a “baby fund.” We were considering trying for a baby perhaps the next January (2009). Obviously, because of our plans, we decided to be extremely cautious in protecting ourselves from getting pregnant to early. So, needless to say, I was a battling in my mind just a bit, for this voice spoke a phrase so wonderfully contrary to what we were planning. Not only that, it was a whisper that absolutely captivated my attention—God was truly provoking my heart.

So, there I sat, thinking, "What? What did You just say?" I then I heard it again, just as clearly and confidently as before. Then, my mind took over and was screaming, "Well, I am not going to tell Mari about this- she'll kick me in my shins! I know she does NOT want to get pregnant yet, so I better shut my mouth." But, as the Lord typically does, the thought prevailed. It was like a needle pricking at my heart—I could NOT ignore it. Then I thought, "Well, if this is truly the Lord speaking, He'll allow this to resonate with Mari's heart as well. For, it was the Lord Himself who taught us that, in marriage, the two must be one in heart in decision-making. He is not a God of discord, but a God of peace and unity." Recalling this, I sucked-in my questioning attitude and just opened my mouth. Here it goes.

"Mari, I felt that the Lord just said, 'I want to bless you with children."

"What? Are you crazy? Are you sure your ‘hearing’ correctly?" she exclaimed with passion.

"Sweety, I know it's crazy, but this has really penetrated my heart. The voice was so sweet, calm, collected, and I am wondering if He wants to see if we are willing to be obedient to Him." I explained.

By God’s grace, we recalled the story of Mary and Jesus in the Bible. Oh what Mary must have felt when Gabriel, the Lord’s angel, told her that she “would be with child” (Luke 1:28)! Mary, the soon to be mother of the Savior of the world, also had questions: “How would this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin” (Luke 1:34)? Gently, the angel reminded her that “nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). Mary’s reaction is what spoke to our hearts the most. The very young, virgin Mary trusted in the Lord with all of her heart and said, “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said” (Luke 1:38).

She said, “Yes.” She said, “Yes.” Though it did not make much sense to her, she wanted to please the Lord. What a beautiful heart! Praise God for this wonderful servant who has heard and who has responded! Look at the fruit of her obedience—Christ was born and fulfilled the ages of prophesy regarding this coming King and salvation for the world.

This story was significant for the Lord to bring to our memory. Mari was encouraged and said, “I, too, want to be obedient. So let’s pray to see if this is truly the Lord.” She felt that, if this was the Lord, He would give us some confirmation—some undeniable assurance—that this was the next step for us in our lives. So, the praying began. I felt flooded with scriptures that were coming to mind about how much children are a blessing. I even felt the Lord remind me of the scripture Matthew 19:14, which tells us to “let the children come to Him” and to not “hinder them.” Man, I was getting a ton of stuff, but Mari, not so much.

So, we continued to pray. Ha—at this point, we were saying, “Father, give us a vision—a dream—do something to hit us in the face with assurance that this is You.” Finally, we felt that we should wait upon the Lord for His answer for more than just that night. We decided to fast and pray and earnestly seek God’s heart for a day, and then to come back the next night to worship, pray, and discuss how we were going to respond. So, we prayed a bit more and then headed off to bed.
The light of the parking lot outside of our apartment was shining through the blinds as we were lying in bed. Neither one of us was speaking, but our souls were restless. I felt my spirit begin to pray on my behalf (Romans 8:26). It’s hard to describe what that feels like except for spiritual “restlessness”. I just knew that something was happening deep within my heart. I couldn’t fall asleep. I felt the need to just sing and worship, but I didn’t want to wake Mari.

Normally, I worship while playing piano and singing. However, there have been a few instances where I have not had a piano or an environment that allowed me to sing aloud. In this case, I just worship in my personal prayer “closet” (Matthew 6:6). Now, I have just learned to enter this “closet” simply by closing my eyelids and focusing my heart on Jesus. As the scripture Matthew 6:6 points out, the purpose is just to get away from distraction and to set your heart upon Him. So, I often see myself worshipping in this prayer closet by playing the harp and singing, and it is so incredible. It is an opportunity for me to just love, love, love on God in the most intimate environment. There are no distractions, and He has my undivided attention. It’s a bit humorous, however, because I have no idea how to play the harp. I think it’s just a “prayer closet” thing. Maybe I should try sax next time; I’ve always wanted to play that!
So there I am, entering into worship when all of a sudden, my heart completely and unexpectedly poured out upon the Father. I felt myself pleading desperately:

Father, I do want to be a daddy. God, this is my heart’s desire! I know we are not financially ready, and I know that we want more time for ‘us’ in our marriage, but Father, I want that revelation. I know in my heart that having my own child will rewrite everything I know about You and give me the real revelation of your love for me. If I could love a child with all of my heart, how much more is your love for me! Father, this love has been ‘head knowledge’ to me so far, and I want more. ‘God so loved the world,’ I know, I know, I know. But, what does this really mean? Father—I want this revelation! Teach me what it is to love and to be loved by the best Father I could ever have!

My heart just completely cried—it was relentless! I didn’t even know I had this desire as strongly as I did! In the past, whenever I thought about being a daddy, I thought that God would teach me something profound…I mean, anytime I would think about having a child I just felt this…something huge build up within my spirit—like a revelation that would be “birthed” into my soul…I never knew what this revelation was until now, as I began to ask for it: “Teach me the love of the Father.”

Praise be to God—He who hears the cries of His children.

Bear with me, as I struggle to describe this next part using words. It’s so hard to describe a “heart” thing using language—because language simply cannot express the impressions this vision had upon my heart. I sat there, worshipping at the harp and singing this song called “Pie Jesu”. Before I knew it, to my left, there was a little boy who stood next to me, gazing at me. At that time, this little boy began to worship with me. His voice was so pure—so innocent. This moment I will never forget. Immediately, just as I had heard earlier in the evening, I heard the Father speak into my soul. He answered my heart’s cry with a promise (with the understanding that Mari and I would be obedient to His desire). This is what the Father spoke into my heart:

You will have a child and you will raise him to know the Lord. He will be a worshipper like his father and he will also lead others into worship. I am bringing this child now because these are times of war (spiritual) and he will be a warrior for my Kingdom. But he will not fight the physical fight of men. He will battle in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12) through submission to me in worship.

Whoa! Praise the Lord! My heart leaped within me—what a noble and beautiful promise that the Father Himself spoke. Mari and I desire nothing more than to lead our children to love Christ with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength—that they might know the heart and the love of the Father in heaven. Ever since the Lord has got a hold of my life, I have yearned to set an example for my children—that they might grow up to be men and women of God who hunger, thirst, and stand up for righteousness and purity. Thanks be to God—the cry of my heart has been heard. The promise of the Lord never fails—His word is the rock that I cling to.
In awe, I rolled over to see if Mari was still awake. I had to tell her this word that the Lord gave me. Thankfully, she was still wide awake. So, I told her everything that I had just experienced—from worshipping at the harp, to the little boy, to the Father’s promise.

Mari immediately filled with tears and said with awe, “Oh my gosh, Ryan, my heart felt like it leaped out of my chest what you told me what the Father promised you!”

I asked her why, and she began to describe to me how she was also praying at the same exact time that I was pleading. Here was her prayer:

Father, Ryan and I want to be obedient to You. Having a child is not a good financial move right now. We also don’t think this is the best time marriage-wise; we have only been married for about six months! But, Lord, we want to please You. If You desire to give us this baby, Lord, we will go with You. I just ask that, Father, you will help us raise Him in You—that he would grow up to be a lover and a worshipper of You. Father, I also pray that he would be a warrior for your Kingdom.

Whoa! My heart jumped out of my chest! Mari’s prayer was the exact promise that I got from the Father while I was praying! Yeah—believe it! Go back and read for yourself. Compare the word from the Lord to Mari’s prayer! It was so beautiful! It was like, as soon as she lifted her heart up to the Lord, He answered and confirmed her prayer in my heart while I prayed. It was this gorgeous, incredible triangle of unity that we experienced that night—as if our hearts were beating with the heart of the Heavenly Father’s. To this day, we hold on to the three promises the Lord gave us: 1) that we will in fact be equipped to raise him to know the Lord, 2) that he will love and worship the Lord with all of his heart, mind, soul, and strength, 3) that he will be a warrior for the Kingdom of Heaven through obedience and submission.

Praise God. Praise God! Praise the God who desires to fellowship and commune with His children! Praise the God who hears His children and who is faithful to answer! Praise the God who speaks to the hearts of many, and praise God for the grace that we might hear Him. We don’t tell this story to puff ourselves up with some kind of “spiritual pride.” We have been so humbled that the Father might make it this apparent that we should start a family. If it were up to Mari and I, we would have done it our way. We would have waited until January 2009 before trying to conceive. But, praise be to God who takes care of His children—who, by His gentle whisper, leads us to His heart. Bless the Lord, oh my soul, bless the Lord.

Of course, at this point, it’s like 2:00 AM. We were so overwhelmed with gladness, but were also extremely tired. We decided that even though we got the “slap in the face” we were hoping for, we thought it would be wise to wait until the next day to make a decision. The Father was very clear with us—His desire is to bless us with a child, but we also needed to have the peace of mind to accept it. So, we decided to dedicate the next day to fasting and praying for more confirmation (1 Corinthians 7:5).

I have never experienced the Lord’s power as I did in these two days. The next morning, I called my dear friend, Frank Johnson, to ask for prayer regarding the decision Mari and I were going to make that day. Being an incredible brother in Christ and always having scriptural and wise advice, Frank was just the right guy to call. He was so encouraging—saying that this “sounded like the heart of God.” He encouraged me to judge it for myself with scripture: “Does this sound like who my God is?” This was so wise. My heart is not to follow the advice of men, but rather, to walk behind the guidance of the Lord. Frank encouraged me to continue to pray and seek the Lord, and that He who is faithful would provide an answer.

Then, during my lunch break at school, I received a phone call. The call came at 12:10 PM, at the start of my 35 minute lunch block—just enough time to talk! The person on the other end of the line was Julie Stinson. Now, Julie and I are awesome friends. She is a dear sister in the Lord to me. Every time I talk with her, I always feel like I am being filled up with so much encouragement in the Lord. However, this was strange that she called me. She and her husband Dave are Mari and my accountability partners/very close friends. As in many “couple” relationships, when the guy needs something, he calls the guy. When the girl needs something, she calls the girl. But that day, Julie called me. When I asked her what was up, she said, “Um, well, I don’t know. I just wanted to call you. I just felt like I needed to call you today. I miss you guys a lot and I want to hear what’s new with you. I really had no reason to call…” Little did she know, there was definitely a reason for her to call!

Boy, thank the Lord for this opportunity to vent. I hadn’t been able to talk about what happened the night before since the morning! I was about to explode! So, I did. I exploded with everything I have typed up until this point. She was so taken back with awe! She was really encouraging—for she also said, “This really sounds like the heart of God! I am so excited for you two! What a cool story this will be!” She proceeded to give me sound advice:

I would encourage you and Mari to go boldly before the Lord, and ask Him for a definite answer. He is the one who started this conversation, so He will finish it. Go with confidence, and expect an answer.

Now, one might be wondering, “With the vision and the prayer confirmation from the previous night, didn’t you have your answer!?” I think we knew the answer within our hearts, but we wanted to be 100% positive that this was a move we were to make now. You have to understand—we did not want to do anything physically until we knew what the Lord wanted, protected or unprotected. The Lord blesses obedience rooted in faith and trust. Julie’s advice was exactly what I needed to hear. God is faithful—He will put peace and joy in our hearts regarding this decision if this was Him.

That night, as soon as I got home, I sensed it. The Lord had been working on our hearts all day long. There was a peace—a joy—a love that filled our home even more abundantly than before. The presence of God was so powerful in the place—we just had to go worship. So, after sharing dinner together (fettuccini alfredo with chicken), we went into the office and began to worship. That night, we sang “In Christ Alone,” “Unfailing Love,” “Forever,” and “Wonderful Maker”. As we worshipped, the love of God ravished our hearts. The Lord met us there, and He faithfully revealed His heart as we worshipped! Again, our heartbeats seemed to dance along with His—it was so beautiful! The tears began to flow as we sang “Wonderful Maker,” for the Lord showed us both His heart simultaneously during the chorus:

What a wonderful maker, what a wonderful Savior
How majestic Your whispers, and how humble Your love.
With the strength like no other, and the heart of a Father,
How majestic Your whispers, what a wonderful God.

We sat—a mess of tears—overwhelmed by the faithful love of our Father. “How majestic Your whispers, and how humble Your love.” Wow.

How majestic the whispers of God—that His still, small voice might captivate my heart—that through the noise of my agenda, the Father would humbly, gently, and lovingly speak His desire into my soul. The revelation began to unfold before our eyes. Oh, how I will be so thankful for the whisper of God when I see before me the perfect child He has created! Oh, how I will rejoice when I see my precious child grow to have his own family and teach them of the love of God! To know that this new life started with God’s desire, even before my own desire—as it is with us all! That the God who created light and darkness, the heavens and the earth, the stars and the oceans, the mountains and the valleys, was not satisfied until He created us. He did not rest until He formed our hearts. God, what great love! Father—how do You love us so, that above all things You have created, we are the joy of your desire! How is it, that You love us so, that we might complete your joy? Father, I praise You! For You alone are true love! That in due time, I will hold in my arms a child that was born in your dreams—a child that you have longed for even before the first beat of his heart. My God, You have overwhelmed me with your love! How can we ever thank You? There are no words to describe the depth of your love.

Mari and I just continued to ponder those lyrics that the Lord brought to our attention, and the more we pondered, the more we felt the Lord’s heart. “How humble Your love!” Wow. God’s love—His desire to create (to make new things and to make things new)—is so patient, kind, and gentle (1 Corinthians 13:4). He wasn’t going to force us to obey, but He promised us such a beautiful gift if we simply allowed Him to work in our lives. Isn’t that the story of salvation? That when we hear and respond to the whisper of the Lord saying that we need Him, and that we cannot gain heaven apart from Jesus, and that we cannot be freed from the yoke of oppression on our lives unless we accept Christ—we will be completely restored? This is our God—a God of creation and restoration, bringing into life and bringing back to life. His heart is a heart of new beginnings, whether you are a newborn baby or a falling 19 year-old as I was.

Undone by the love of the Father, Mari and I said, “Yes, Lord.” Later that night, we called those praying for us to say “thank you” and that we received our answer. We asked them to continue to pray for us, as we would be trying to conceive (although, we knew we wouldn’t be trying too hard considering this is something the Lord ordained for this season of our life). And, as if we needed more confirmation, Julie said she forwarded us an e-devotional that she received that day. She said she rarely read that devotional, but she happened to come across it and felt that it was timely for us. At the top of the email, we read the words:

ADJUST YOUR PLANS
"Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the paththey should choose." Psalm 25:12 NLT

The devotional proceeded to tell the story of a newly wed couple who went through some unexpected life-changes. The wife quit her job to find one that better-suited her. Though she had never come across interviewing problems before, all of her new job outlooks failed. Her husband suggested that it might be time to start a family. She said “no” and kept looking for a job. After a season had passed and no job had come her way, they agreed to start a family. They had two boys. Years later, the wife discovered that she had a health condition that could have prevented her from having any children had she waited any longer to start a family. The moral of the story? God is sovereign and knows every detail of our lives. Remaining in Him, we will bear the fruit that He has planned for us (John 15).

After waiting the longest two weeks of our lives, Mari and I found ourselves once again undone by the love of God as we stared at the positive pregnancy test. Tears—hugs—laughs—praises on our lips, for God is faithful. The fulfilling of His promise was the best confirmation we could have asked for.

Since the beginning of this story, Mari and I have had breakthrough in our journey to Christ. The Lord has just begun to give us a revelation of His love; we are so thrilled for what lies ahead of us. The breakthrough that has begun is simply a result of one truth that we have begun to believe with all of our hearts:

God is a loving Father who yearns for His children, as Mari and I eagerly yearn to hold our baby boy in our arms. He yearns so much that He would form us in the first place. We are made to love Him. Regardless if we recognize or accept this truth, the Truth remains. He yearns for us so much that, even though we have constantly turned our hearts away, He reconciled us to Him once and for all through the sacrifice of His perfect and holy son, Jesus Christ.

We are so thankful for God’s love poured out onto our family.