And so, I start to type...not knowing exactly where I am going, or really what I'd even like to convey. That's a great goal, right? This post is off to a
fantastic start :)
There has been
so much happening in this heart of mine. It seems that God does not give up on molding and shaping me. It is
this for which I am thankful. However, I must be honest- He has chosen to teach me in ways that I never
ever imagined
He'd use
. While it's all beautiful in the long-run, it most definitely is a stretching of everything I am right
now. When I say "everything", I mean absolutely
everything. I think that for anyone to follow me 100%, I'll need to start at the
very, very beginning of this "heart surgery" the Lord began to perform on me.
A DREAM OF SEARING LOSS
Approximately a year ago, I received a dream that radically changed my life. This dream not only imparted a
rich revelation into the depth of my understanding, but it also prepared me for the events that would soon be intermingling with my family.
In my dream, Mari and I were coming back to our apartment from an evening out. As we approached the complex, we quickly realized something was horribly wrong. Firetrucks crowded the parking lot, while yellow tape sealed off the complex doorway and our patio entrance. Charred siding along our patio window indicated that an abusive fire had made its claim. A fireman approached us, and with grief he spoke a phrase I would never forget: "I am so sorry, but you've lost everything."
Silence. My heart dropped.
"What do you mean we've lost
everything?" I asked, bewildered.
"I am so sorry, you've lost everything." he repeated, solemnly.
We were taken inside the complex to see the damage of our home. Everything was solemnly dressed in black. If we were lucky, some halves of decor remained untouched by the flames, but that was it; nothing was salvageable. Every single wedding gift, our furniture, our collection of family pictures, our memorabilia from some of our favorite experiences we had- all of it was consumed by the fire. There we stood, peering across what used to be our home- our safe house- wondering how this could have happened to
us. I called my mom to tell her about this tragedy. The only words I could seem to muster up were, "Mom, we've lost everything...We've lost it all."
The agony I felt was nothing I've ever experienced. My heart has never been so alive in a dream. Though I slept, my heart was fully experiencing this tragedy. I cried.
"What are we to do now? We've got
nothing." My heart lamented.
This was the lowest point to which I have ever been taken. I was completely stripped of everything with which I identified myself, and the hard thing is, I experienced it as if it was actually happening. This portion of the dream stuck with me beyond that night. During the next morning's worship session at church, I found myself singing and worshiping Jesus as if I had actually just lost everything. I could not contain the pain of searing loss to stay within my dream. As I worshiped, tears continued to flow. It was at this point that the Lord brought to mind the conclusion of my dream.
GOD'S VICTORIOUS WORD
As the flames that destroyed all of our possessions began to take aim at my helpless heart, the Lord made His mark- a spoken revelation. At the very last second before this tragic, dark dream concluded, I distinctly remember this sudden "knowing" proclaim itself from my inmost being.
"Because I have lost everything, I have
found everything."
In one phrase, the dark lighting of the dream dramatically shifted and the last snapshot that I can recall was seeing the joy of the Lord coming to replace all of my sorrow, hurt, confusion, and worry. In an instant, I went from mourning to dancing, for I realized that in my desperation
I would finally see the reality of a faithful God. The Apostle Paul writes:
But he (Jesus) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2
Corithians12:9)
I saw that my desperation would literally be my only escort to the true revelation of my Father in heaven. Because I lost everything, I would
have to *rely on God. There was no more room for confusion...no more blurred lines of who my Provider is. I was at His mercy. God taught me that my desperation for Him is the best place to be- regardless of the status of my life. He wanted me to start embracing hardship as an opportunity to
know Jesus and to know that the greater my need, the more I would see how real He really truly is.
A few days after my dream, I was reading my bible when suddenly the Lord gave me a strong impression. The impression that I had was that very next scripture I would read would be imperative to understanding my dream. So, not knowing what was next, I eagerly flipped the page and read:
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him... (Philippians 3: 7-9a)
Wow! Isn't God good, that He would teach this to me in such a powerful, unforgettable way? I was so blessed by His faithfulness to teach me what He wanted in that dream. It was as if God wrote a movie that vividly illustrated the scripture in Philippians, and then let me partake in it. His grace was demonstrated greatly when he allowed me to learn through a vivid dream an essential lesson that many people have to learn in reality. A year later, I am even more thankful for the revelation that He gave to me as we have come face to face with calamity- but this time it was not a dream. God prepared my family to endure, and that makes me want to love Him even more. What a WONDERFUL God to lead us through the fire of testing with the utmost love and gentleness, that we would come out on the other side more like His son, Jesus! This is everything to me- my heart's desire. I look forward to telling more about our "heart surgery". It's been challenging, but it's been wonderful because the heart of the Father is behind it all!
...and just for the record, "heart, heart, heart, heart, heart". There- I said the word again.
*SIDE NOTE:
Isn't it interesting that blind eyes are being opened every day in Africa by the love and the power of Jesus? Did you know that deaf ears are hearing once again after being touched by the love of Christ? Did you know that the dead are being raised to life again in several Third World nations because desperately praying communities called upon the only Faithful God?
Desperation is the escort to seeing how real God truly is.
